Logged in this morning to post for the first time in ages, and I get the notification that I signed up 2 years ago today.As a whole, things are greatly improved.
I have steadied my weight at 87 kg (about 190 lbs) Not where I want to be, so it is time to really work on it. I gotta work on finding the motivation for that. I feel so much better about myself than before that I have let things slip. My weight hasn’t, but my routine has. The worst part is looking sexy. It doesn’t happen especially with as of yesterday, 9 scars total on my abdomen.
I am in no romantic relationship. Once again I tell myself that I am better off without it because I only torture any one that gets that close to me before I pull out and shut down. According to “Demotivaters” -The only constant in your failed relationships is you. So trying again to keep myself from confusing shit with romance again. That doesn’t mean that I don’t have a sex drive, but cyber/phone sex is enough for me at the moment. Wait, is this TMI? 😉
The social anxiety I get over, until it overwhelms me. I am dealing with huge waves of overwhelm right now. My absolute favorite living author (Sorry Neil, but Ms Austin edges you out slightly) will be in the capital next Sunday. After figuring out if I can AFFORD to go, I have to figure out if I CAN go. The crowds! I can handle getting myself on a plane to see him, but the queue waiting…PANIC-CITY. Even before that is the national celebration here when all the town gathers up into the gyms of the local grade school. When I say all the town, I mean it, from the babies still in arms to the bus delivery of nursing home residences. This is a social gathering where everyone meets and talks and shares the news of the past year. Aside from still being a stranger after all this time, the stress of so many people attacking my personal bubble is crippling. After having been told that there are some people that think I don’t take my children to such events simply because I am too lazy or refuse to face my responsibilities, asking for help has become even more difficult. One top of these two events is an even bigger, but somehow less stressful event of a 5 day vacation with the family to LEGOland. So, LOTS of people, even different language, ex-husband, extended for days.
My best friend has been a tower of support even while he is dealing with his own issues. I would almost kill to go back just to hang out and relax face to face with him. He asks me to scale my days o a scale of one to ten. Last night I had and 8. Right now it is a 6.5 to 7. While in Ireland, it was a constant 1, except when being PLAGUED by my then boyfriend. He managed to make some moments tens. But my buddy, my pal, my non-romantic soul mate pulled me from those without even knowing that they were there, even when taking me to a cemetery 🙂
I just needed to unload. Thanks for reading, or not. It doesn’t matter.